Is money the root of your problems?
You are madly in love with him and he dotes on you like crazy. In fact he makes your world go in a tizzy with happiness. But the devil called money is now tip toeing into your relationship. And ironically- not the lack of it, but supposedly an excess of it. In short, you are earning more than your man. Is seeing a guy who earns less than you a matter of concern? Even if it does not bother him, is it playing on your mind? Are you getting more aggressive or is he getting too insecure and defensive? It’s all about the money honey! Money is a symbol of power and talent. It's true that a man's ability to single-handedly support his family was a point of pride a generation ago. It is also true that a perk that came with earning money was an assumption that the man therefore had the right to a greater say in family life. However unhappy people were with the arrangement, there was a certain sense that the man was supposed to be the head of the household and everyone else's roles fell into line behind his. No longer! When a woman earns more, her say in the family also increases. She becomes an important force whose opinion holds weight and here begins the power play between the couple which may not be pleasant at all times. To make matters worse, how much you earn is taken as a deterrent of your talent and your worth. If you earn more than your man, it is almost taken for granted that you are more talented and are doing far better for yourself than him. Others may draw such comparisons rather publicly and your man is most likely to find it difficult to digest and uncomfortable to face. Oops! The house work balance might be tilting too… Anita, 28, who is living in with her boyfriend of 3 years says, “Things were ok when we were in the same company and I was a rung below him in the same team. We used to return home together and I used to manage most of the housework without much stress. But a few months ago, I got a better job offer and I moved on. Now I reach home almost 2 hours after he does and by the time I come, I am already so tired that the thought of wrapping up work at home is revolting. Arguments are order of the day when I insist on ordering food from outside and urge him to help me out. He says that he never told me to be so career conscious and over-earn and would prefer if I took up a less stressful job with smaller hours and of course lesser pay packet. Basically, the fact that I earn more, which means I am doing better, is hurting his ego and that’s creating tensions between us.” Rucha, 31, a consultant in a leading MNC echoes the same feeling. She says, “If you put in 13-hour day at the office, you simply can't come home and cook dinner too and take care of the laundry and then party and socialize also as much as your man wants you to. Roles and responsibilities have to be distributed. However, most men do not want to accept the role redistribution and their eternal argument is that why do you do something you can’t handle… take up something less challenging and stressful. But the underlying issue remains that they can’t see us doing better.” Tips on how to avoid money tiffs! Considering that love exists and you do want togetherness with this guy, it makes sense to hold the money devil by its horns and tame it so that it doesn’t come between the two of you. Get a grip right now on the situation by using a bit of humility, common senses, patience and tact. Here’s how… • Understand that you have chosen to live with and love this guy. Whatever be his financial situation, he is desirable to you and should remain so. After all, it does not take financial positions and situations to take a turn. • Make your parents understand this as well. Don’t allow them to bring up the money talk and the disparity in your incomes in front of him. This will instill inferiority complex in your man and might make him feel that he is being subjugated to humility. Avoid such discussions with friends also. Besides, it is your personal arena, do not make your income disparity open to public analysis. • Do not over insist on footing the bill at a restaurant or while on a shopping expedition with your man. If he wishes to pay, let him. And never ever pass comments such as, “Its ok honey let me pay. Anyway I earn much more so I can afford this.” By doing this, you will be trampling all over his self-respect. • Do not keep drumming in the fact in that you earn more and you are doing better. • Do not keep discussing his career moves with him with an air of authority just because you are financially more sound. This will make him feel that you are in the driving seat and he is being babied. Most men will detest the feeling. • Do not make major buying decisions or financial decisions like a picking up a fridge or a home theater etc without his knowledge or his consultation. • Avoid giving him an overtly expensive gift without his knowledge. He might take this an offense and start comparing his purchasing capacity with yours. • If you are living in or are married, then it makes sense to have a joint account. Deposit equal amounts in this account and use this money for all joint expenditures. This will take care of most of the strife. Remember that money can’t buy you love. Also remember that money has the power to break the strongest of bonds. Ensure that you don’t fall pray to its power-play. Relish togetherness!